Troy and his dad enjoyed many activities together. Walking in the garden, watching fishing shows, looking at old photo albums and reminiscing. But Dad’s favourite was when they did puzzles together. Even with dementia, Dad enjoyed complex puzzles with 1,000 pieces. He’d done them all his life, and each time he found a piece that fit, he acted like it was Christmas.
“What are you doing?” Dad yelled as Troy reached for a piece. “You ruined it!” Dad jumped up and swung his arm, crashing the half-finished puzzle to the floor. Then he stomped away.
Troy watch his father’s retreating back, stunned.
What happened? What did I do wrong?
You are a safe person
Sometimes you may be stymied, because behaviour can turn on a dime. Your person may 
have had a lovely visit with an old friend, or be congenial in the doctor’s office, but as soon as they are alone with you, they snap and act angry. You may think they are putting on a show for others, but being their true selves with you. Manipulation.
It isn’t. It’s the disease. You are a person they are comfortable with, their safe person. They did enjoy their time with their friend, and their natural respect for medical people affected their reactions. But those interactions, even if pleasant, used their energy. They are tired, or hungry, or in pain. Their filter, which keeps them from inappropriate actions, is damaged.
The important thing for Tray to know is that he did nothing wrong. He also needs to know how to handle the situation.
Troy found his Dad sitting in his recliner, frowning at the television, which wasn’t turned on. “I just noticed it’s almost lunchtime, Dad. I was going to have a sandwich. Can I make you one? We have cheese if you’d like grilled cheese.” Troy knew his father could seldom resist a perfectly toasted grilled cheese sandwich.
His dad’s face brightened. “That sounds good.” His need would be met in a few minutes and his mood changed.
Don’t argue
It’s tempting. You know the story she’s telling is wrong. She’s never been to the campsite she’s telling a story about, she’s not going to work, and he hasn’t lived for years in the home he’s mentioning. Rather than argue, which will only produce frustration and anger, try entering their reality. By this I mean, your conversation should centre around the topic, but with questions and listening rather than confrontation.
“What did you like most about camping, Mom? The campfires? I loved them, too. I liked the s’mores we used to make.”
“Tell me about your home, Dad. What did it look like? I know your mother was good in the kitchen. What was your favourite meal she made?”
Listening and redirecting diffuses anger or confusion.
Validate the feeling
This is related to not arguing. Many times, things like a demand to go home, or go to work is related to a feeling. Perhaps they feel unsafe or confused, and home is a place of safety. Or at work, they felt validated and important. They had purpose. They want to go back to that feeling. Talking about their home or workplace can help. Find activities which are meaningful to them, and which will provide purpose.
Communicating with someone with dementia is a learning process which never ends. As you get better at it, both of you will relax into a more pleasant rhythm. There will always be challenges, but the right tools make it easier.