This is the third in a series about a man who didn’t prepare with his father for his caregiving journey, and how he navigated it. Read the first blog here: https://smallmiracles.online/how-to-ask-the-right-questions-before-becoming-a-caregiver/ and the second blog here: https://smallmiracles.online/a-caregivers-journey-finding-a-way-when-you-dont-make-a-plan/
Eric and his dad developed a routine when he returned from rehab. Because Dad came home to familiar territory, his memory issues stabilized for a while. In this comfortable environment, he relaxed and functioned better than in the hospital. He had Roal, his caregiver during the day, and Eric at night. After several months, his wrist returned to normal function and his hip, although stiff if he sat for too long, had healed. He walked with a cane, or a walker for longer distances.
Eric, however, struggled with trying to maintain two homes, and always being “on call,” either at work or at home. He went to his own place to pay bills and cut the grass, but slept at his father’s house at night. He prepared dinner for Dad, kept him company in the evenings and made sure he took his nighttime meds. Thankfully, his father slept well, and if he got up to use the washroom, he went back to sleep immediately. Eric couldn’t have handled it if he wandered at night as he’d read was common.
As time went on, he saw more changes. Dad repeated conversations, was sometimes incontinent, and needed more help with hygiene. Eric worried if he could handle it if things got worse. Which of course, they would.
Then he got the call. His home of choice had a room for his father. He had three days.
Immediately, Eric had an overwhelming list. First, he needed to talk to his father.
He had explained to his dad that this day would come, and had even taken him on a tour of the home. He suspected none of it made sense to Dad. Over the next days, and even after the move, they had the same conversation many times.
“Why can’t I stay home?” (After the move, it was “I want to go home.”)
He tried to encourage his father to help him decide what to take, but that only confused and agitated him more. Eventually he made a list, hired a U-Haul and packed things after Dad went to bed. The night before the move he packed the U-Haul with the help of a few friends, and left his Dad and Roal happily doing a puzzle while he went to the care home.
He tired to set the room up as much like their living room at home as he could in the smaller space. A hospital bed and dresser were already there, and he arranged Dad’s favourite area rug, chair, side table and mounted a TV on the wall. He was just finishing when the floor manager dropped in and introduced herself.
“The room looks great and comfortable. We’ll work hard to get your father settled and help him feel comfortable. I’m sorry to tell you, though, the rug can’t stay.”
Tired, hungry and on his last nerve, Eric’s hackles immediately rose. “Why not? I’m paying a lot of money for this place. He should be able to have his rug!”
“It’s a tripping hazard.”
“I’ll secure the ends.”
“I’m sorry, but that won’t work. No matter what you use, it won’t last, and it’s a hazard for your father and for my staff.”
Eric huffed. “I’m taking this to management!”
“That’s fine. You’ll hear the same message.”
Instead of going to management, he sat in his car, devoured a sub he had picked up, and rested. The stress of this whole thing, from the first call from his dad’s neighbour, to today, and all the difficult moments in between, had pushed him over the edge. He wasn’t normally a hothead or confrontational. The whole ordeal had been too much.
He returned to the home, removed the rug and apologized to the manager. She reassured him. “It will take at least six weeks, maybe more, for your father to settle in. We will work with him. Get to know the staff that will care for him. They can be your best friends. Give us some information about him. His history, what he did as a job, the kinds of things he likes. That will help us relate to him.”
In the end, the manager became an advocate for him and his dad and Eric’s go-to person. Dad did take six weeks or more to settle, but he began to stop asking about home and started telling Eric about the activities he’d enjoyed. Eric started coming at times when they could participate together. It wasn’t perfect. There were still hard times, but Eric felt supported and like he’d made the right decision.
Even though Eric wasn’t giving full-time care, he was still a caregiver in every sense of the word. Or better, a care partner. He and his dad and the home were in a partnership to give Dad the best quality of life at this stage.